Saturday, March 19, 2011

Day 69: okay

Well, just as I suspected, today was a hurricane of emotion for me.
My parents left for St. Louis today around noon or so. It was hard to see them leave, but I know that it will be better to have tomorrow all to myself so I can get some chores done, such as laundry, before hopefully returning to work on Monday.
After staring at my computer for a couple of hours after they left, I finally decided that I couldn't just sit around all day waiting to find out terrible news, so I went to return a book to Goodwill for my mom, and ended up wandering around for a good hour or so, dreading returning to my empty house. So, I headed across town to look at Hobby Lobby, my favorite store, and walked around waiting to be inspired by a new hobby, but nothing really struck me....except soap-making, and I don't even use bar soap, so that's pointless.
Then on my drive home, I mistakenly listened to Rascal Flatts, and began to sing along, and once I started listening to the beautiful lyrics I was singing, I began to cry. Thankfully, in the past couple of months, I've had a lot of practice with calming myself down in order to be able to drive, and when I had calmed down enough, I went and got myself some Subway for dinner, since I didn't really feel like reheating anything, much less cook anything.
I got home around 6, to read the news that I had been avoiding all day. My cousin had posted that my aunt had passed early this afternoon, surrounded by her family, and that she did so bravely. She also said that my aunt was peaceful and happy in the end. That makes me feel better, of course, but upon first reading this paragraph, I was a wreck. So, I let myself have my cry. It lasted longer than it probably should, but I had my cry. Then I found a couple of friends who were online, and began to talk with them. I would like to personally thank Kristen and Brianna for being there for me in that moment, even if it was just online, because I was not ready to talk to anyone on the phone yet, nor was I capable of speaking, so just being able to chat online was really good for me. It really helped me to regain my composure. I ate my sandwich, and then cracked open a bag of sour gummy worms. One of my personal favorites.
After much eating, and some more crying, I had achieved a state of..i don't know what it was. I was sick of crying. So, I finally felt strong enough to call my mom. Boy, was I wrong. I only got through about 5 words before starting up again. She had posted a picture of my aunt at her 50th birthday party, which was about 10 years ago (she would have been 60 in September), and it made me so happy to see a picture of my aunt Linda the way that I remember her the most. The hilarious, creative, and loving woman that I grew up idolizing. I don't know. Something about that picture...just made me start to cry all over again. But not because of losing her today, but because of that was a picture of the beautiful woman that was slowly taken away from us by ALS. Lately, it's been hard for me to imagine her back in those days, so the picture was a nice reminder.
Anyway. For those of you who are worried about me. (mom...) I'm okay. I'm not going to sit here and tell you that I'm doing really well, because that's a lie. I'm not doing well. I'm not even "fine". I'm just, okay. I've been better, but I know that I'm not at rock bottom. I'm just going to take this one step at a time.
As of right now, my next step is to finish this blog so that I can get ready for bed.
SO, on that note, Goodnight to you all.
Please keep my family in your prayers.

P.S. God just gained a wonderful new angel with some really awesome quilting/crafting skills. I know there's got to be a big party going on in heaven right now.   :)

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